Crono Steals SteamRoller

-Edgar Figaro

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Earlier this week, famed hero of Crono Trigger, Crono, was arrested. Crono was walking down the road when he felt very tired and no longer had an urge to walk. Thus, he hijacked a high performance steamroller and drove down the road. Police were quick to respond to the cries of help, and Crono lead the police on a 10 mph chase for 3 hours. The pursuit ended when a cop ran up to the steam roller and stopped Crono. 

"Crono is currently being detained at a local jail. I'm proud to announce that our new Dragon guard has been put into place, and I am 100% confident that Crono will not get passed our mechanical wonder."

with some bribery of the door guard, I got an exclusive interview with Crono...and ground breaking news! Crono speaks! 

Tao: Crono, you're quite the silent one, holding out till the lawyer gets here, ah ha ha...

Crono: ...."

Tao: Come come...here, have some coffee

Crono: HOT! FUCKING HOT!

Tao:!!! 

Crono: You bitch! You fucking bitch! That was my sword hand! How am I to jack off now!? Oh ho! You're dead!

Tao: ....!! 

(At this point, I ran, have YOU ever seen a mute person cuss at you? It's bloody scary!)

Marle, Crono's spouse and long time "friend", was quoted saying "Crono did nothing wrong, and if that's a crime, then lock him away!" Later, at Crono's hearing, Crono pleaded "...." which to my recollection, means jackshit. Although, Crono DID break the mold when the man who owned the Steam roller took the stand.

Man: "Yeah, Crono knocked me right off! Almost ran me over!"

Crono: "You bitch! You liar, I should've ran you over....um....that is, if I were the one who stole your steamroller, heh heh"

It took the jury 10 minutes to convict him, 9.9 of those 10 minutes were used up walking into and out of the court room.

A nearby denizen was quoted saying: "The problem with youth today is Marilyn Manson! If he wouldn't steal steamrollers, neither would they! It makes sense! ....Doesn't It?"